My Existential Crisis

I wouldn't classify myself as an insomniac, but lately, unsettle thoughts causes me to toss in bed. My husband is out cold lying next to me, so I write. Some might say I'm a bit of a control freak, however the way I see it, I like to be proactive with my problems. Having a plan settles my mind.

I feel weird giving voice to my issues because I know that many people are having a much more difficult time in this economy. If I could control my thoughts, my emotions, and my sleep pattern, all would be well. But I can't. I'm here in this bed, trying to figure it out and take action. Hell, that's all any of us are able to do. Please keep in mind that I don't believe in airing out any personal issue that 1) I'm not prepared to deal with publicly and 2) I don't believe in airing out other people's business.

Having these weeks off from work due to my surgery, I've had more time to think than I have ever had since I started working at 19 years old. If I was not working, I was in school. Most of the time, I was working full time and going to school. I was living in a bad situation and I disparately needed to find a way out. I got a trade, found a job, and changed my situation. I thought that was all I needed to be set.

Now at 37 years old, I'm up late at night asking myself, "What is my purpose? If I should have 30 days left on Earth, can I look back at my life and say that I am proud of what I contributed? Is spending my time everyday working for someone else, what I want to do for the rest of my life?" I don't know, I don't know, and hell no, respectively.

Right now, all I know is this... if I want a decent night's rest, I need a plan. I need to confront my issues. I want to find a space that allows me time to do something that matters. I'm having a difficult time figuring out what my talents are vs. my hobbies. When something I try doesn't work out, is God telling me "No" or "Not Yet"?

It's like those tone deaf singers on American Idol that really want to be a singer. Their family and friends encourage them. They are convinced this is what they were made to do, the problem is, they can't hold a note wrapped in an auto tune. After facing Simon and the brutal truth, what's next for their dreams?

It would be nice to just lie in bed and totally disengage, right? Only, that's not what I really want. What I really want is to actively engage every aspect of my life in a manner that allows me to be most happy, while maintaining my authentic self. I don't want to be puppeteered by any company and the only censorship I seek is the one I chose to bestow upon myself.

Remember my Poignant Moments series? Although I posted it as "Creative Writing", it's 100% my real life, with the exception of name changes. I was able to get through those things, so now, I'm arrogant enough to  think that I can figure this out as well.

I'm still alive, so it's not too late. I have to remind myself that just because I'm not going to have children that doesn't mean I don't have something to offer the world. And while my career doesn't currently define who I am, I still have the time to change that dichotomy. I want to be proud of my life's work.

Now remember, I can't put all my bidness out there, but... if you're able to even remotely relate, You–Get–It and there's no need for me to further explain this sleep deprived musing.