How to Become More Confident

Dear CandidAnn,

I've been watching your videos for a while now and I have never seen anyone else in my life have amazing confidence like you. I'm the exact opposite and I really need your help. All my life I've been so insecure and its been stopping me from living my life.

I always care and think about what other people think, and I hate that characteristic. Have you ever felt this way growing up? What are some of your experiences? Since you have amazing self confidence can you please make a video or even reply to help me out? I think this topic will be a great Friday Night Confessional (FNC) for this week! I'm going into High School this year and I want to go in and not be insecure about what other people will think about me. Please help me. Thank you :-)

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Reading your email, brought back so many memories because the person I am today, is definetely not the same person I was as a teenager. Keep in mind that my core values are still the same but being comfortable in my skin took some time. Being able to express myself without fear of what other people thought, also took some time.

Being from a Caribbean family, I HATED being so skinny. Other girls were developing and I looked like a toothpick. I wore baggy clothes to hide my body as much as possible. I was called mega neck, a carpenter's dream, and anorexic by my classmates. Kids are cruel but I never let any of those things consume me. I would escape by doing things that I excelled at.

I can't believe I hated my beautifully long "mega" neck.

Come to think of it, I didn't actually "excel" at anything in particular, I just had hobbies that I'd escape into. The more time I spent enjoying my hobbies, I became really good at them and eventually I became confident in that area. I'm not being terribly specific about what those subjects are, because it was just mainly academic stuff. I liked reading, writing, solving quadratic equations... shit that most people don't enjoy. But guess what, when the first set of grades were in, I was the only one of my friends that made the Honor Roll.

Then I thought to myself "I wonder what would happen if I spent time praticing other things? Can I become good at them also?" More often than you can imagine, the answer was yes. Keep in mind that no matter how much I practiced the ritual, we must, we must, increase our bust, while reading Judy Blume, my bra size didn't change BUT I did learn how to put an outfit together that complimented my figure. Sometimes you have to simply work with that you have.

Surround yourself with like minded people that lift you up
When you get to High School, you'll see that they're all different types of people. Find your people that have similar interests as you, but never loose sight of what your core values are in order to fit in. There really is power in numbers and having a circle of friends that share your interest can be encouraging.

Body Image

Let me tell you something I wished someone would have told me much earlier in life. Men like all different types of women. I don't care what you look like, there is a group of men out there that LOVE exactly who you are. You see, I was surrounded by a Caribbean family, so I felt ugly because I was (in their opinion) too skinny. Not until I became a grown woman working for myself did I realize that lots of other people found me attractive. Everyone does not view beauty the same way. The most important person's approval, is that of your own.

Finding Your Voice
Another thing about growing up in a Caribbean household, was the annoying practice of people talking to my mother about me while I'm standing right there. Children did not have much of a voice in my family. You had to know your place, which was to be seen, not heard.

Finding my voice was a much slower process. I would find solace in writing my feelings out and then ripping up the paper. No one could silence my writing. My mother saw me scratching away in my notebook and felt pleased that I wasn't out getting pregnant. She couldn't care less about what I was writing.

Eventually I gave voice to some of my thoughts and realized that no matter what I'd say, some people will agree with me and others will not. Sometimes I was able to convince someone to see things differently and other times, I was the one to have a change of heart.

The hardest part about voicing an opinion is the ability to listen to others, while being able to relate your thoughts in a manner in which they are able to also relate back to you. Most people get stuck at the listening part, which is a damn shame because I think that what most of us want, is to simply be heard.

You deserve to be heard.